japonisme: flight

09 December 2006


robert died this morning about an hour before it started getting light. as soon as i could see i went out and began to dig a space for him under a tree where he used to like to hang out. he's had other spots since then, but none for as long.

i wrapped him in his red towel and carried him outside and found i hadn't made it deep enough. it was kind of difficult because of all the roots, but i finally made it okay.

nine and a half years ago he developed kidney disease and i was told he wouldn't live much longer. i have been giving him kitty dialysis since then, so feel like i got ten extra years. about a year ago his heart began to fail, and for a year he's been on all these meds.

in the last month or so his eyesight really went, he lost a lot of weight, his legs really began bothering him. each change, he would adjust to, and he's spend as much time in the sun, or drinking from the pond as he could.

this morning he was hurting, i could tell, and when he didn't seem to want anything i offered him, and he was crying this pitiful little yow that he had always only done specifically get my attention.

i took him back on the bed with me and scratched his head and his chest to try to help him relax. i paused at one point and he put his head back to my hand. we stayed like that for ten or twenty minutes. i didn't stop scratching. and then found myself wondering if he were still breathing. i kept scratching for a long while after, not knowing, not caring, knowing it didn't matter--it would be good for him in any case.

putting the dirt back felt rude, but it was very important that noone, not squirrel, racoon, nor possum dig him up.

i wanted peace for him, and for the garden around him.

i herringboned mossy bricks over him, and felt guilty for doing this before his body was completely cold. but he had been gone for over an hour, and it also didn't feel right not to. it's easier, i learned a long time ago, to feel guilt than to feel grief.


Blogger Kiribird said...

Dear lotusgreen..your little pal sure knew whose tree to lie under, all those years in the sun.

09 December, 2006 14:57  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having been through this myself, I know how painful it is. You were able to enjoy life together for ten extra years, and that is no small thing. I found this site to be helpful: www.petloss.com

Bless you!

09 December, 2006 15:17  
Blogger Dominic Bugatto said...

my sincerest condolances.

10 December, 2006 07:08  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cat Baby is too precious for words. The afternoon her mother was run over we buried her in the back garden, it was the hottest day of the year and that evening the sunset was a flame in gold and red. To my mind's eye it seemed a chariot of the sky came and gathered in her spirit. Then, even though we were bereft, I was glad for her.

How many times a day do I kiss my little Baby thinking how dear she is and how each time she leaves I wonder if it will be the last.

my heart goes out to you.


11 December, 2006 08:19  
Blogger lotusgreen said...

kiribird, so sweet--thank you.

sandi, thank you, and thanks for being willing to share your experience.

dom, thank you so much.

and "anon"--yes. and thank you.

each person seems to have something unique to share and that helps.


14 December, 2006 01:19  
Blogger suopursu said...

Been coming here to visit your touching and beautiful site. Just wonder if you can share a bit more information on the artist of this print. I happen to have another one of his - Cherry and Moon.

04 November, 2010 14:34  
Blogger lotusgreen said...

i'm not sure who the artist is.

04 November, 2010 15:54  

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