japonisme: little red blue

20 May 2009

little red blue

for even more intrigue, listen up

>'Dragnet' opening theme<
NARRATOR: The story of Little Blue Riding Hood is true. Only the color has been changed to prevent an investigation.
>'Dragnet' opening music<
JOE (voice-over): This is the woods. My name is Wednesday, I work outa' homicide. Monday, February the 2nd, 10:22am. Bumped into Chicken Lickin'.
Told me the sky was falling. I booked her on a 614, turned her over to the psychiatrists. Then a call came in on a 503. When I was on my way to the 503 a 618 came in. I added up the 614, the 503 and the 618. Got 1735. I handed in my paper to the Chief, he corrected it, gave me 100%, patted me on the head. Told me I was a good cop.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): 11:45am, it happened. I saw a little girl in a blue hood carrying a basket. I stopped to question her.
JOE: Pardon me, ma'am, could I talk to you for just a minute, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: What about?
JOE: Nothing much, ma'am. Just wanna' ask you a few questions, ma'am. What's your name?
LITTLE BLUE: Little Blue Riding Hood.
JOE: Where ya' going, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Grandma's house.
JOE: Yes, ma'am. Whad'ya got in the basket?
LITTLE BLUE (defensively): Whad'ya trying to say, I got something in the basket I shouldn't have?
JOE: No, ma'am, I didn't say that.
LITTLE BLUE: Then whad'ya asking me all these questions for?
JOE: Just routine, ma'am, we just wanna' get the facts. May I have a look in that basket, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Be my guest.
JOE: Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of dumdum shells. Nothing suspicious here. All right, ma'am, we may want to talk to you later, so don't leave the woods.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): She skipped on down the path. But she didn't know I'd seen the concealed compartment in the basket. In it, what I'd suspected all along -- goodies.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): My job -- get to grandma's before she did. I took a shortcut through the strawberry patch. It was sort of a strawberry shortcut.
>sound of walking<
JOE (voice-over): I walked up to the cottage, rang the bell.
>door bell<
GRANDMA: Coming, dear.
>door opens<
JOE: OK, grandma, it's a raid.
GRANDMA (acting surprised): A raid? Why, I'm just a peace-loving old lady, you've got the wrong grandma.
JOE: Yes, ma'am. We just wanna' get the facts. Where'd you get that bump on your head?
GRANDMA: The sky fell on me this morning.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): I made a note to book her on a 614 and turn her over to the psychiatrists. I tied her up, put her in the closet, then I put on the grandma suit and got into bed.
>knock on door<
JOE (making no attempt to disguise his voice): Come in, ma'am.
>door opens<
LITTLE BLUE: Hello, gramma, I got the loot. What're you doin' in bed?
JOE: I'm feeling poorly.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what big ears you have!
JOE: All the better to get the facts. I just wanna' get the facts, ma'am.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big subpoena you have in your pocket!
JOE: All the better to serve you with.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big .38 police special you have pointed at me!
JOE: All the better to take you in. You're under arrest. You and your grandma are operating a goodies ring.
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): A cop. I shoulda' known.
JOE: Known what, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): You look nothing like my gramma. You forgot about the mustache.
JOE: But I don't have a mustache.
LITTLE BLUE: I know. But gramma does.
>dramatic music<
FRANK: Well, I see you broke the goodies ring. How'd you get a lead on 'er, Joe?
JOE: I just played a hunch, Frank. It was just a hunch. I played my luck; sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't, I was just lucky, I just played a hunch, Frank.
FRANK: What you're trying to say, Joe, is you just played a hunch. A lucky guess. Sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't. You just played a hunch. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Joe?
JOE: Yeah. I just played a hunch.
>'Dragnet' end music<

Stan Freberg 1953 1

(and don't miss tex avery's little hot riding hood!)

and all this silliness is dedicated to yoli

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Blogger Yoli said...

LOLOLOL, I am so honored!!!!!

20 May, 2009 22:39  
Blogger lotusgreen said...


tee hee hee

20 May, 2009 23:13  
Anonymous Heather said...

This is great. I never thought of red riding hood as anything but that. Now I find out that she can also be red blue, or red hot and even red walking...
The fact that she can be red blue and red hot prove the fact that anything is possible.

22 May, 2009 22:31  
Blogger lotusgreen said...

ahh yes, heather, and you have raised a most interesting philosophical question: for if she can be red blue... can she also be purple?!!?

23 May, 2009 04:54  

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hi, and thanks so much for stopping by. i spend all too much time thinking my own thoughts about this stuff, so please tell me yours. i thrive on the exchange!

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