little red blue

for even more intrigue, listen up

>'Dragnet' opening theme<
NARRATOR: The story of Little Blue Riding Hood is true. Only the color has been changed to prevent an investigation.
>'Dragnet' opening music<
JOE (voice-over): This is the woods. My name is Wednesday, I work outa' homicide. Monday, February the 2nd, 10:22am. Bumped into Chicken Lickin'.
Told me the sky was falling. I booked her on a 614, turned her over to the psychiatrists. Then a call came in on a 503. When I was on my way to the 503 a 618 came in. I added up the 614, the 503 and the 618. Got 1735. I handed in my paper to the Chief, he corrected it, gave me 100%, patted me on the head. Told me I was a good cop.
>dramatic music<

JOE (voice-over): 11:45am, it happened. I saw a little girl in a blue hood carrying a basket. I stopped to question her.
JOE: Pardon me, ma'am, could I talk to you for just a minute, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: What about?
JOE: Nothing much, ma'am. Just wanna' ask you a few questions, ma'am. What's your name?
LITTLE BLUE: Little Blue Riding Hood.
JOE: Where ya' going, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Grandma's house.
JOE: Yes, ma'am. Whad'ya got in the basket?
LITTLE BLUE (defensively): Whad'ya trying to say, I got something in the basket I shouldn't have?

JOE: No, ma'am, I didn't say that.

LITTLE BLUE: Then whad'ya asking me all these questions for?
JOE: Just routine, ma'am, we just wanna' get the facts. May I have a look in that basket, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Be my guest.
JOE: Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of dumdum shells. Nothing suspicious here. All right, ma'am, we may want to talk to you later, so don't leave the woods.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): She skipped on down the path. But she didn't know I'd seen the concealed compartment in the basket. In it, what I'd suspected all along -- goodies.
>dramatic music<

JOE (voice-over): My job -- get to grandma's before she did. I took a shortcut through the strawberry patch. It was sort of a strawberry shortcut.
>sound of walking<
JOE (voice-over): I walked up to the cottage, rang the bell.
>door bell<
GRANDMA: Coming, dear.
>door opens<
JOE: OK, grandma, it's a raid.
GRANDMA (acting surprised): A raid? Why, I'm just a peace-loving old lady, you've got the wrong grandma.

JOE: Yes, ma'am. We just wanna' get the facts. Where'd you get that bump on your head?
GRANDMA: The sky fell on me this morning.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): I made a note to book her on a 614 and turn her over to the psychiatrists. I tied her up, put her in the closet, then I put on the grandma suit and got into bed.
>knock on door<
JOE (making no attempt to disguise his voice): Come in, ma'am.
>door opens<
LITTLE BLUE: Hello, gramma, I got the loot. What're you doin' in bed?
JOE: I'm feeling poorly.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what big ears you have!
JOE: All the better to get the facts. I just wanna' get the facts, ma'am.

LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big subpoena you have in your pocket!
JOE: All the better to serve you with.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big .38 police special you have pointed at me!
JOE: All the better to take you in. You're under arrest. You and your grandma are operating a goodies ring.
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): A cop. I shoulda' known.
JOE: Known what, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): You look nothing like my gramma. You forgot about the mustache.

JOE: But I don't have a mustache.
LITTLE BLUE: I know. But gramma does.
>dramatic music<
FRANK: Well, I see you broke the goodies ring. How'd you get a lead on 'er, Joe?
JOE: I just played a hunch, Frank. It was just a hunch. I played my luck; sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't, I was just lucky, I just played a hunch, Frank.
FRANK: What you're trying to say, Joe, is you just played a hunch. A lucky guess. Sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't. You just played a hunch. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Joe?
JOE: Yeah. I just played a hunch.
>'Dragnet' end music<

Stan Freberg 1953 1

(and don't miss tex avery's little hot riding hood!)

and all this silliness is dedicated to yoli

THE SOLSTICE IS COME

JUST NOW

In the morning as the storm begins to blow away
the clear sky appears for a moment and it seems to me
that there has been something simpler than I could ever believe
simpler than I could have begun to find words for
not patient not even waiting no more hidden
than the air itself that became part of me for a while
with every breath and remained with me unnoticed
something that was here unnamed unknown in the days
and the nights not separate from them
not separate from them as they came and were gone
it must have been here neither early nor late then
by what name can I address it now holding out my thanks

W. S. Merwin

from The Pupil © 1988