flipping the american bird

st george & the dragonet

[Narrator:] The legend you are about to hear is true. Only the needle should be changed to protect the record.

[St. George:] This is the countryside. My name is St George. I'm a knight.

Saturday, July 10th, 8:05 pm-- I was working out of the castle on the nightwatch when a call came in from the Chief. A dragon had been devouring maidens. Homicide. My job, slay him.

[St. George:] You call me, Chief?

[Chief:] Yes, the dragon again, devouring maidens. The King's daughter may be next.

[St. George:] Mmm-hmm. You got a lead?

[Chief:] Oh, nothing much to go on. Say, did you take that .45 automatic into the lab to have them check on it?

[St. George:] Yeah, you were right.

[Chief:] I was right?

[St. George:] Yeah, it was a gun.

8:22 pm-- I talked to one of the maidens who had almost been devoured....

[St. George:] Could I talk to you, Ma'am?

[Maiden:] Who are you?

[St. George:] I'm St. George, Ma'am. Homicide, Ma'am. Want to ask you a few questions, Ma'am. I understand you were almost devoured by the dragon, Ma'am. Is that right? Dragon?

[Maiden:] It was terrible! He breathed fire on me! He burned me already!

[St. George:] How can I be sure of that, Ma'am?

[Maiden:] Believe me.I got it straight from the dragon's mouth.

11:45 pm-- I rode over the King's Highway. I saw a man. Stopped to talk to him.

[St. George:] Pardon me, Sir. Could I talk to you for just a minute, Sir?

[Knave:] Sure, I don't mind.

[St. George:] What do you do for a living?

[Knave:] I'm a knave.

[St. George:] Didn't I pick you up on a 903 last year for stealing tarts?

[Knave:] Yeah, so what do you wanna make a federal case out of it?

[St. George:] No, Sir. We heard there was a dragon operating in this neighborhood. We just want to know if you've seen him.

[Knave:] Sure, I've seen him.

[St. George:] Mmm-hmm. Could you describe him for me?

[Knave:] What's to describe? You see one dragon, you seen 'em all.

[St. George:] Would you try to remember, Sir? Just for the record. We just want to get the facts, Sir.

[Knave:] Well, he was, you know, he had orange polka dots...

[St. George:] Yes, Sir.

[Knave:] Purple feet, breathing fire and smoke...

[St. George:] Mmm-hmm.

[Knave:] And one big bloodshot eye right in the middle of his forehead and Uh, like that.

[St. George:] Notice anything unusual about him?

[Knave:] No, he's just your run-of-the-mill dragon, you know.

[St. George:] Mmm-hmm. Yes, Sir. You can go now.

[Knave:] Hey, by the way, how you gonna catch him?

[St. George:] I thought you'd never ask. A Dragonet.

3:05 pm-- I was riding back into the courtyard to make my report to the lab. Then it happened. It was the dragon.

[Dragon:] Hey, I'm the fire-breathin' Dragon! You must be St George, right?

[St. George:] Yes, Sir.

[Dragon:] I can see you got one of them new .45 caliber swords.

[St. George:] That's about the size of it.

[Dragon:] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You slay me.

[St. George:] That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

[Dragon:] What do you mean?

[St. George:] I'm taking you in on a 502. You figure it out.

[Dragon:] What's the charge?

[St. George:] Devouring maidens out of season.

[Dragon:] Out of season! You'll never pin that rap on me. Do you hear me, cop?

[St. George:] Yeah, I hear you. I got you on a 412 too.

[Dragon:] A 412? What's a 412?

[St. George:] Over-acting. Let's go.

[Narrator:] On September the 5th, the Dragon was tried and convicted. His fire was put out and his maiden-devouring license revoked. Maiden devouring out of season is punishable by a term of not less than 50 or more than 300 years.

[listen to the irrepressible stan freberg do this live!]

and thus our sojourn into the realities of george barbier, and back into the lap of the calendars!

little red blue

for even more intrigue, listen up

>'Dragnet' opening theme<
NARRATOR: The story of Little Blue Riding Hood is true. Only the color has been changed to prevent an investigation.
>'Dragnet' opening music<
JOE (voice-over): This is the woods. My name is Wednesday, I work outa' homicide. Monday, February the 2nd, 10:22am. Bumped into Chicken Lickin'.
Told me the sky was falling. I booked her on a 614, turned her over to the psychiatrists. Then a call came in on a 503. When I was on my way to the 503 a 618 came in. I added up the 614, the 503 and the 618. Got 1735. I handed in my paper to the Chief, he corrected it, gave me 100%, patted me on the head. Told me I was a good cop.
>dramatic music<

JOE (voice-over): 11:45am, it happened. I saw a little girl in a blue hood carrying a basket. I stopped to question her.
JOE: Pardon me, ma'am, could I talk to you for just a minute, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: What about?
JOE: Nothing much, ma'am. Just wanna' ask you a few questions, ma'am. What's your name?
LITTLE BLUE: Little Blue Riding Hood.
JOE: Where ya' going, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Grandma's house.
JOE: Yes, ma'am. Whad'ya got in the basket?
LITTLE BLUE (defensively): Whad'ya trying to say, I got something in the basket I shouldn't have?

JOE: No, ma'am, I didn't say that.

LITTLE BLUE: Then whad'ya asking me all these questions for?
JOE: Just routine, ma'am, we just wanna' get the facts. May I have a look in that basket, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE: Be my guest.
JOE: Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of dumdum shells. Nothing suspicious here. All right, ma'am, we may want to talk to you later, so don't leave the woods.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): She skipped on down the path. But she didn't know I'd seen the concealed compartment in the basket. In it, what I'd suspected all along -- goodies.
>dramatic music<

JOE (voice-over): My job -- get to grandma's before she did. I took a shortcut through the strawberry patch. It was sort of a strawberry shortcut.
>sound of walking<
JOE (voice-over): I walked up to the cottage, rang the bell.
>door bell<
GRANDMA: Coming, dear.
>door opens<
JOE: OK, grandma, it's a raid.
GRANDMA (acting surprised): A raid? Why, I'm just a peace-loving old lady, you've got the wrong grandma.

JOE: Yes, ma'am. We just wanna' get the facts. Where'd you get that bump on your head?
GRANDMA: The sky fell on me this morning.
>dramatic music<
JOE (voice-over): I made a note to book her on a 614 and turn her over to the psychiatrists. I tied her up, put her in the closet, then I put on the grandma suit and got into bed.
>knock on door<
JOE (making no attempt to disguise his voice): Come in, ma'am.
>door opens<
LITTLE BLUE: Hello, gramma, I got the loot. What're you doin' in bed?
JOE: I'm feeling poorly.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what big ears you have!
JOE: All the better to get the facts. I just wanna' get the facts, ma'am.

LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big subpoena you have in your pocket!
JOE: All the better to serve you with.
LITTLE BLUE: But gramma, what a big .38 police special you have pointed at me!
JOE: All the better to take you in. You're under arrest. You and your grandma are operating a goodies ring.
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): A cop. I shoulda' known.
JOE: Known what, ma'am?
LITTLE BLUE (sadly): You look nothing like my gramma. You forgot about the mustache.

JOE: But I don't have a mustache.
LITTLE BLUE: I know. But gramma does.
>dramatic music<
FRANK: Well, I see you broke the goodies ring. How'd you get a lead on 'er, Joe?
JOE: I just played a hunch, Frank. It was just a hunch. I played my luck; sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't, I was just lucky, I just played a hunch, Frank.
FRANK: What you're trying to say, Joe, is you just played a hunch. A lucky guess. Sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't. You just played a hunch. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Joe?
JOE: Yeah. I just played a hunch.
>'Dragnet' end music<

Stan Freberg 1953 1

(and don't miss tex avery's little hot riding hood!)

and all this silliness is dedicated to yoli