>'Dragnet' opening theme<NARRATOR
: The story of Little Blue Riding Hood is true. Only the color has been changed to prevent an investigation.>'Dragnet' opening music<JOE
): This is the woods. My name is Wednesday, I work outa' homicide. Monday, February the 2nd, 10:22am. Bumped into Chicken Lickin'.
Told me the sky was falling. I booked her on a 614, turned her over to the psychiatrists. Then a call came in on a 503. When I was on my way to the 503 a 618 came in. I added up the 614, the 503 and the 618. Got 1735. I handed in my paper to the Chief, he corrected it, gave me 100%, patted me on the head. Told me I was a good cop.>dramatic music<
): 11:45am, it happened. I saw a little girl in a blue hood carrying a basket. I stopped to question her.JOE
: Pardon me, ma'am, could I talk to you for just a minute, ma'am?LITTLE BLUE
: What about?JOE
: Nothing much, ma'am. Just wanna' ask you a few questions, ma'am. What's your name?LITTLE BLUE
: Little Blue Riding Hood.JOE
: Where ya' going, ma'am?LITTLE BLUE
: Grandma's house.JOE
: Yes, ma'am. Whad'ya got in the basket?LITTLE BLUE
): Whad'ya trying to say, I got something in the basket I shouldn't have?
: No, ma'am, I didn't say that.
: Then whad'ya asking me all these questions for?JOE
: Just routine, ma'am, we just wanna' get the facts. May I have a look in that basket, ma'am?LITTLE BLUE
: Be my guest.JOE
: Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of dumdum shells. Nothing suspicious here. All right, ma'am, we may want to talk to you later, so don't leave the woods.>dramatic music<JOE
): She skipped on down the path. But she didn't know I'd seen the concealed compartment in the basket. In it, what I'd suspected all along -- goodies.>dramatic music<
): My job -- get to grandma's before she did. I took a shortcut through the strawberry patch. It was sort of a strawberry shortcut.>sound of walking<JOE
): I walked up to the cottage, rang the bell.>door bell<GRANDMA
: Coming, dear.>door opens<JOE
: OK, grandma, it's a raid.GRANDMA
): A raid? Why, I'm just a peace-loving old lady, you've got the wrong grandma.
: Yes, ma'am. We just wanna' get the facts. Where'd you get that bump on your head?GRANDMA
: The sky fell on me this morning.>dramatic music<JOE
): I made a note to book her on a 614 and turn her over to the psychiatrists. I tied her up, put her in the closet, then I put on the grandma suit and got into bed.>knock on door<JOE (making no attempt to disguise his voice)
: Come in, ma'am.>door opens<LITTLE BLUE
: Hello, gramma, I got the loot. What're you doin' in bed?JOE
: I'm feeling poorly.LITTLE BLUE
: But gramma, what big ears you have!JOE
: All the better to get the facts. I just wanna' get the facts, ma'am.
: But gramma, what a big subpoena you have in your pocket!JOE
: All the better to serve you with.LITTLE BLUE
: But gramma, what a big .38 police special you have pointed at me!JOE
: All the better to take you in. You're under arrest. You and your grandma are operating a goodies ring.LITTLE BLUE
): A cop. I shoulda' known.JOE
: Known what, ma'am?LITTLE BLUE
): You look nothing like my gramma. You forgot about the mustache.
: But I don't have a mustache.LITTLE BLUE
: I know. But gramma does.>dramatic music<FRANK
: Well, I see you broke the goodies ring. How'd you get a lead on 'er, Joe?JOE
: I just played a hunch, Frank. It was just a hunch. I played my luck; sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't, I was just lucky, I just played a hunch, Frank.FRANK
: What you're trying to say, Joe, is you just played a hunch. A lucky guess. Sometimes a hunch pays off, sometimes it doesn't. You just played a hunch. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Joe?JOE
: Yeah. I just played a hunch.>'Dragnet' end music<Stan Freberg 1953 1(and don't miss tex avery's little hot riding hood!)and all this silliness is dedicated to yoli